This article contains spoilers for the Parks and Recreation show. Continue at your own risk.
|It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! That analogy was way better in my head.|
|— Leslie Knope|
Leslie Knope and the Parks Department are planning a big comeback for Leslie's campaign. She asks Ann Perkins to be her campaign manager, turning down Ann's suggestion of the unemployed and experienced Ben Wyatt since his presence may remind voters of their scandal. The team organizes a rally at the Pawnee Sports Building, and Ann manages to land high school basketball legend Pete Disellio.
Pete will endorse Leslie, but he refuses to allow the campaign to associate him with basketball or even use his nickname since he is tired of the town always bringing up his one famous game, and he continues to open up more about his life problems to an uncomfortable Ann.
Chris Traeger visits Ben at his home, where he sees Ben very involved in a variety of hobbies, such as claymation and calzone making, neither of which are very good. Chris guesses that Ben is actually very depressed and is using the hobbies as a distraction, but doesn't say anything and decides to let Ben figure it out for himself. Meanwhile, as the parks department is driving to the Pawnee Sports Building, they are pulled over by police Officer Len, who makes them abandon the vehicle due to Ron Swanson not being licensed to drive the truck.
They are forced to leave behind most of the supplies and cram what they can into Leslie's car. Upon arriving at the venue, it is discovered that the basketball court April Ludgate supposedly booked has in fact been converted into an ice hockey rink. Even worse, due to most of the supplies being abandoned, only a portion of Leslie's campaign banner is displayed, while Ron is only able to create a miniature podium with no stairs.
When Leslie goes out on the ice to give her speech, Tom Haverford's red carpet ends abruptly, so she and the whole department slowly creep their way to the podium, while Andy Dwyer and April's new dog Champion pees all over Ron. Leslie finally gets to the podium, but her index cards are out of order and her speech falls flat. Suddenly, Pete arrives – having sorted out his issues with Ann – and endorses Leslie to the crowd's delight.
Pete attempts to dunk, but he immediately slips and breaks his arm. The event is a complete disaster. Ben eventually realizes how pathetic his life has become after showing Chris a five second claymation video that took him three weeks to produce. Chris cheers Ben up and Ben is touched by his friend's efforts to help. He later accepts an offer from Leslie to become her new campaign manager.
Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish.
Leslie: You're smart as a whip and you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands.
Ann: No, I haven't.
Leslie: [surprised] You haven't??
Leslie: You will. You're that good of a nurse.
Ann: [after Leslie hired her] You just hired me like eight seconds ago.
April: Wow, you're doing a really bad job.
Ben: [having met Champion, the three-legged dog] Okay, I have to ask this and I'm sorry, but, how many legs did that dog have when you found him?
Andy: [cheerfully] Three! That's what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs than most dogs can with four.
April: Except for digging. He's really bad at digging.
Ron: Leslie wanted to hire a contractor to build the stage. I don't want to paint with a broad brush here but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
Leslie: See, there's more things to look at on the internet other than naked guys, Ann.
Ron: Officer, I have been operating heavy machinery since I was 8 years old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what laws are we breaking exactly?
Officer: Well, you got 4 people in the front seat, nobody's wearing a seatbelt, you were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone, the rear of the vehicle is open, debris has been falling out, and you don't have a commercial license to drive a truck.
Ron: [chuckles slightly] Okay. Well, we have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.
Ron: Tom, we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap!
April: [on the phone with Ann] Hi! I just wanted to let you know we're about to be arrested.
Ann: Oh my God, April! That's horrible! Where are you? "My mother's butt." Really? [sarcastic] That's really helpful.
Ben: Pizza is old news.
Ben: And will call my new Italian fast casual eatery the Low Cal Calzone... Zone.
Chris: [to Ben] That idea is literally the greatest idea I have ever heard in my life. [to camera in private] That idea is terrible.
Leslie: April, I need a status report. How's it looking out there?
April: Perfect, but just one thing - it's not a basketball court, anymore. It's an ice skating rink.
Leslie: [surprised] Wait, what? Why? What happened??
April: The stupid guy I called to book this place didn't tell me they took off the basketball floor for a hockey game. Or maybe he did tell me, but he was so stupid and boring that I wasn't listening. And either way, it was his fault because he was stupid and I hated him.
Leslie: Jerry, you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me you pulled a Jerry and no one's here.
Jerry: [offended] Okay, well, first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that term. And for the record, [excitingly] I came through - there are almost 100 people out there!
Leslie: [upset] Oh, dammit Jerry. You just had to do your job, didn't you?
April: Yeah. Can't you do anything wrong, Jerry?
Leslie: Ben, my campaign manager and I have made a decision.
Ann: We've decided to fire that campaign manager, me.
Leslie: And hire you.
Chris: I've known you a long time. And, right now, you need help.
Ben: With my clay-mache?
Chris: You are wildly, insanely depressed.
Ben: [to the camera] Depressed? I'm the furthest thing from depressed! I mean, look at what I've accomplished. [holds up his clay man] Do you see him? Do you think a depressed person could make this? No!
Ben: [to Chris] I'll show you my claymation project. Okay, now I have been working pretty hard on this and I think it's really good. So just hang onto your hat, okay? Here it goes. [he presses play, the title shows "Ben Wyatt Presents 'Requiem for a Tuesday'", and the video begins with the clay man standing up in bed to the opening of R.E.M.'s "Stand"... and the video abruptly ends; Ben and Chris are stumped]
Chris: Did you pause it?
Ben: No. I- Hang on. [he plays the video again and it ends as soon as it begins; Ben sighs disappointingly] Oh, my God. That's the whole thing. [he buries his face in his hands]
Ben: You see, in my head, I thought that was really, really cool. I-I-I emailed Leslie two days ago and I compared it to "AVATAR", Chris! And how could it not be longer??!
Leslie: [upon noticing the red carpet ends shortly] Tom?
Tom: I couldn't afford enough premium carpet to get us to the stage. I mean, it was a short walk but it was pretty luxurious right?
Leslie: Okay. [she braces herself and carefully shuffles onto the ice]
Ron: I'm holding the dog - he is peeing. He is now peeing. And I'm putting him down.
Intercom: [repeatedly plays Gloria Estefan] "GET ON YOUR FEET! GET UP, AND MAKE IT HAPPEN!"