| My first ex-wife's name is Tammy, my second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My mom's name is Tamara... she goes by Tammy. |
| — Ron Swanson |
"Ron and Tammys" is the second episode in the fourth season of the NBC television series Parks and Recreation. It premiered on September 29, 2011 to 4.33 million viewers.
Synopsis[]
Leslie has to get involved when Ron's first wife re-enters his life and starts controlling him; Ben helps Tom with his new company; Ann makes a public service announcement with Chris.
Storyline[]
Leslie is preparing for the "battle royale": a big meeting between all departments where they argue over funding. Ron's intimidating presence and libertarian beliefs are pivotal for the parks department to succeed in getting more funds over other departments, but he is too busy preparing for his upcoming tax audit served to him by his first ex-wife, Tammy 1. Leslie, Andy, and April try to help Ron.
Meanwhile, Tom asks Ben to look over the finances of his company, Entertainment 720. Ben discovers that Tom and Jean-Ralphio are wasting large amounts of money on a state-of-the-art office, giving employees high salaries with full benefits, and paying Detlef Schrempf and Roy Hibbert to play basketball all day, while not actually making any revenue. They ignore Ben's warnings that the company will go bankrupt in a month.
While Leslie, Andy and April sort through Ron's purchasing history, of which has few actual receipts, just notes of purchase that he wrote himself and photographs of gentlemen's agreements, and most of his finances are kept in a hidden stash of gold. Ron explains that Tammy 1 had been present throughout most of his young life: she delivered him as a baby, was his teacher, and she even took his virginity. However, she was also cold and controlling, which forever turned Ron off to blonde women after their divorce. Tammy 1 shows up and is horrified at Ron's recordkeeping and demands access to every part of his life for the audit. Her strict maternal nature intimidates everyone into following her orders, which impresses April.
Over the course of the next week, Tammy 1 moves back in with Ron and assumes complete control over him. She turns Ron into a personable, brightly dressed, clean-shaven, pro-government wimp who refuses to do anything without her approval. Leslie needs Ron to be his usual gruff self for the battle royale and confronts Tammy 1 about the audit, which she admits is fake – she wants to find where Ron's secret stash of gold is.
Ann wants to film a quick Public Service Announcement about diabetes and asks Chris to help. What should be a simple process is dragged out for the entire day when the overly-perfectionist Chris spends all day doing countless takes, making Ann wonder why she even dated him in the first place.
In desperation, Leslie asks Ron's second ex-wife Tammy 2 for help, but even she is scared of Tammy 1 – Tammy 1 was also her teacher and attacked Tammy 2 with acid when they first got together. Andy then gets an idea and they decide to ask Ron's survivalist mother, Tamara for help and she agrees. Tamara challenges Tammy 1 to a "prairie drink-off" using the Swanson family's highly alcoholic mash liquor. The victor keeps Ron with her and if Tamara wins, Ron will go back to the farm permanently. Leslie enters the drinking contest to save Ron from both his mother and ex-wife, but she's quickly taken out of commission after barely managing to get a few glasses down. April attempts to sub in for Leslie but immediately spits it out and collapses to the floor. Ron, finally fed up over people controlling him, grabs the jug, chugs the rest of the liquor, and tells both Tammys to leave him alone.
After seven hours of reshoots, Chris finally gets a take he's happy with and apologizes to Ann for taking so long.
Tom later apologizes to Ben after discovering that he was right when he brought in other accountants who confirmed E720's finances.
Cast[]
Starring[]
- Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope
- Rashida Jones as Ann Perkins
- Paul Schneider as Mark Brendanawicz
- Aziz Ansari as Tom Haverford
- Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson
- Aubrey Plaza as April Ludgate
- Chris Pratt as Andy Dwyer
- Adam Scott as Ben Wyatt
- Rob Lowe as Chris Traeger
Guest Stars[]
Quotes[]
Leslie: Our secret weapon in this budgetary battle: Ron. Every time another department asks for more money, he just stares them down until they back off and/or wet themselves.
Ron: I'm being audited by the IRS.
Leslie: No! Your worst nightmare!
Ron: Income tax is illegal.
Ben: I would guess that they would be bankrupt by the end of this sentence.
Ron: Why do I only date brunettes? You know, sometimes, you eat chicken and you get food poisoning, and then even the sight of chicken makes you sick. Tammy One is my blonde chicken.
Tammy One: [to Andy] You. What is your name?
Andy: Tim... Tim Buckanowski.
Tammy One: Really?
Andy: [nervously] No... Andy Dwyer.
April: She's the cold distant mother I never had. I love her.
Ron: [whistles happily as he walks into the department... without his mustache and wearing preppy clothes] Good morning, everyone!
Leslie: Good morning, sir! How can I help you? [looks up and is shocked to see Ron in his new state] RON! Your mustache fell off! [everyone looks at Ron in shock and confusion]
Ron: [laughs] Leslie, you goofball. Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it, and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is very unsanitary.
Ron: Here's something neat: Tammy's got me taking baby aspirin to lower my risk of heart disease. Science is a miracle!
Ron: I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.
Leslie: OK, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?
Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...
Leslie: [alarmed] You gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!
Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.
Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered.
Leslie: We need to break Ron from her spell. Can't you just... move your butt around or make a dress out of meat?
Tammy Two: Well, I could do all of those things - and have - but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together... [gathers herself] she threw acid on my foot.
April: Ewww!
Andy: Could we take a peak at it?
Tammy Two: Listen. Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher, too. She could pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word... and a jar of acid.
Leslie: Why do you have so many guns?
Tamara: This is America, isn't it?
Leslie: Yes.
Tamara: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property.
Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this.
Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.
[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]
April: Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!
Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. It's only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed boats.
Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.
Leslie: Wait, what?? That wasn't the deal!
Tammy One: Pour it. I'm thirsty.
Leslie: Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.
Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules!
[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]
Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake. I made a mistake. [she begins to panic]
[Leslie is drunk on Swanson liquor]
Tammy Zero: Had enough?
Tammy One: Is this watered down baby formula? Not even close.
Leslie: Not even close. [starts slurring] Marvin the clones. Glenn Close.
Ron: Leslie, you don't have to do this.
Leslie: Shh. Go to bed, Jimmy. [takes another shot] BLAGH!
Leslie: [the Swanson liquor affecting her] I can't feel my face. My faces is numb. [takes off her suit jacket, then acts like a gladiator and scatters some of her desk equipment]
Leslie: [holding a little Buddha-like toy] ...What is that...??
[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]
Ron: She's had enough, call it off.
Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out.
April: Wait, I'm subbing in.
Ron: April, no! That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. [she takes a swig of the liquor, then quickly spits it out] F**K! OH MY GOD! [coughs]
Ron: [has had enough] Okay, this ends now! [drinks the remainder of the Swanson liquor, then talks to Tammy Zero] Mom, you're going back to the farm. [Tammy Zero nods; Ron then turns to Tammy One] And you, you're going back to Hell.
Tammy One: Fine.
Tammy One: [to Ron before leaving] I knew you the minute you were born. I intend to be there the minute you die.
[Ron is unfazed, but Jerry and Donna look creeped out]
Leslie: [still drunk] Ron, your family's weird. [she gestures at Tammy Zero, who looks at her stumped]
Ben: [pointing out the absurd things at Entertainment 720] Literally, there is someone reading a magazine and someone applying nail polish. What's- What is she doing? She is just playing with an iPad. Tom told me that chair was $27,000. That chair, that has a roof. Th-There is someone over there in a deep sleep; she's probably being paid upwards of $100,000... a year! There's a video of a boat. Look at that thing. What is that? What are you supposed to do with that thing?