This article contains spoilers for the Parks and Recreation show. Continue at your own risk.
|My first ex-wife's name is Tammy, my second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My mom's name is Tamara... she goes by Tammy.|
|— Ron Swanson|
Leslie Knope is preparing for the "battle royale": a big meeting between all departments where they argue over funding. Ron Swanson's intimidating presence and libertarian beliefs are pivotal for the parks department to succeed in getting more funds over other departments, but he is too busy preparing for his upcoming tax audit served to him by his first ex-wife, Tammy 1. Leslie, Andy Dwyer, and April Ludgate help Ron but discover he has few actual receipts, just notes of purchase that he wrote himself and photographs of gentlemen's agreements. He does, however, have large amounts of gold that he has buried all over Pawnee. Ron explains that Tammy I had been present throughout most of his young life: she delivered him as a baby, was his teacher, and she even took his virginity. However, she was cold and controlling, which forever turned Ron off to blonde women after their divorce.
Tammy I is horrified at Ron's recordkeeping and demands access to every part of his life for the audit. Tammy I's strict maternal nature intimidates everyone into following her orders, which impresses April. Over the course of the next week, Tammy I moves back in with Ron and assumes complete control over him. Ron shaves off his moustache, becomes kind, and refuses to do anything without Tammy I's approval. Leslie needs Ron to be his usual gruff self for the battle royale and confronts Tammy I about the audit, which she admits is fake – she decided to take Ron back after learning about all the gold he had.
Leslie asks Ron's second ex-wife Tammy 2 for help, but even she is scared of Tammy I – Tammy I attacked Tammy 2 with acid when her and Ron first got together. They decide to ask Ron's survivalist mother, Tamara – nicknamed Tammy, or Tammy 0 – for help and she agrees. Tammy 0 challenges Tammy I to a "prairie drink-off" of highly alcoholic Swanson family mash liquor, but Tammy 0 says Ron will return to the farm forever if she wins. Leslie enters the drinking contest to save Ron from his mother and ex-wife, but the liquor immediately makes her too drunk to continue. Ron, finally fed up over people controlling him, chugs the jug dry and tells both Tammy's to leave him alone.
In a subplot, Tom Haverford asks Ben Wyatt to look over the finances of his company, Entertainment 720. Ben discovers that Tom and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein are wasting large amounts of money on a state-of-the-art office, giving employees high salaries with full benefits, and paying Detlef Schrempf and Roy Hibbert to play basketball all day, despite having no income. They ignore Ben's warnings that the company will go bankrupt in a month, but Tom later apologizes to Ben after discovering that he was right.
In another subplot, Ann Perkins asks Chris Traeger to film a quick Public Service Announcement about diabetes, but the overly-enthusiastic Chris spends all day doing countless takes, making Ann wonder why she even dated him in the first place.
Leslie: Our secret weapon in this budgetary battle: Ron. Every time another department asks for more money, he just stares them down until they back off and/or wet themselves.
Ron: I'm being audited by the IRS.
Leslie: No! Your worst nightmare!
Ron: Income tax is illegal.
Ben: I would guess that they would be bankrupt by the end of this sentence.
Ron: Why do I only date brunettes? You know, sometimes, you eat chicken and you get food poisoning, and then even the sight of chicken makes you sick. Tammy One is my blonde chicken.
Tammy One: [to Andy] You. What is your name?
Andy: Tim... Tim Buckanowski.
Tammy One: Really?
Andy: [nervously] No... Andy Dwyer.
April: She's the cold distant mother I never had. I love her.
Ron: [whistles happily as he walks into the department... without his mustache and wearing preppy clothes] Good morning, everyone!
Leslie: Good morning, sir! How can I help you? [looks up and is shocked to see Ron in his new state] RON! Your mustache fell off! [everyone looks at Ron in shock and confusion]
Ron: [laughs] Leslie, you goofball. Tammy pointed out that my face looked better without any hair on it, and it did collect a lot of food crumbs which is very unsanitary.
Ron: Here's something neat: Tammy's got me taking baby aspirin to lower my risk of heart disease. Science is a miracle!
Ron: I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.
Leslie: OK, you know what? Let's cut the crap. Is this audit even real?
Tammy One: In a sense, yes, but in another, truer sense, no, it is not. I want Ronald back. But I had to learn about his finances to make sure my future was protected. I'm impressed. He's acquired quite a bit of gold...
Leslie: [alarmed] You gold digger! You are literally a gold digger!
Leslie: Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.
Tammy Two: None taken. I'm very flattered.
Leslie: We need to break Ron from her spell. Can't you just... move your butt around or make a dress out of meat?
Tammy Two: Well, I could do all of those things - and have - but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together... [gathers herself] she threw acid on my foot.
Andy: Could we take a peak at it?
Tammy Two: Listen. Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher, too. She could pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word... and a jar of acid.
Leslie: Why do you have so many guns?
Tamara: This is America, isn't it?
Tamara: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property.
Tammy Zero: It's time to settle this.
Tammy One: Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.
[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]
April: Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!
Ron: That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. It's only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed boats.
Tammy Zero: If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.
Leslie: Wait, what?? That wasn't the deal!
Tammy One: Pour it. I'm thirsty.
Leslie: Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.
Ron: Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules!
[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]
Leslie: ...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake. I made a mistake.
[Leslie is drunk on Swanson liquor]
Tammy Zero: Had enough?
Tammy One: Is this watered down baby formula? Not even close.
Leslie: Not even close. [starts slurring] Marvin the clones. Glenn Close.
Ron: Leslie, you don't have to do this.
Leslie: Shh. Go to bed, Jimmy. [takes another shot] BLAGH!
Leslie: [the Swanson liquor affecting her] I can't feel my face. My faces is numb. [takes off her suit jacket, then acts like a gladiator and scatters some of her desk equipment]
Leslie: [holding a little Buddha-like toy] ...What is that...??
[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]
Ron: She's had enough, call it off.
Tammy One: That's not how it works. She's out.
April: Wait, I'm subbing in.
Ron: April, no! That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.
April: Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. [she takes a swig of the liquor, then spits it out in disgust] F**K! OH MY GOD!
Ron: [has had enough] Okay, this ends now! [drinks the remainder of the Swanson liquor, then talks to Tammy Zero] Mom, you're going back to the farm. [Tammy Zero nods; Ron then turns to Tammy One] And you, you're going back to Hell.
Tammy One: Fine.
Tammy One: [to Ron before leaving] I knew you the minute you were born. I intend to be there the minute you die.
Ben: [pointing out the absurd things at Entertainment 720] Literally, there is someone reading a magazine and someone applying nail polish. What's- What is she doing? She is just playing with an iPad. Tom told me that chair was $27,000. That chair, that has a roof. Th-There is someone over there in a deep sleep; she's probably being paid upwards of $100,000... a year! There's a video of a boat. Look at that thing. What is that? What are you supposed to do with that thing?