This article contains spoilers for the Parks and Recreation show. Continue at your own risk.
|My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing OK. And if I am, she tries to f**k everything up.|
|— Ron Swanson|
Ron Swanson's ex-wife Tammy 2 continues her efforts to sabotage his life, but the normally susceptible Ron easily resists her seductions because he is now in a solid relationship with Tom Haverford's ex-wife Wendy Haverford, much to Tom's jealousy. Later, however, Wendy and Ron break up after she announces she is moving back to Canada. Meanwhile, Leslie Knope and the Parks Department throw a party for the Pawnee Police Department, where they hope to ask them to provide security for the upcoming Harvest Festival. During the party, Ben Wyatt awkwardly fails to get Chief Hugh Trumple's favor. Tom, unaware of Ron and Wendy's breakup, arrives at the party with Tammy to make him jealous. After bickering loudly, Ron and Tammy both decide to leave the party together to talk and try to make amends. However, a night filled with drunken sex and mayhem ensues, ending with the two getting re-married and ending up in jail.
After getting Ron released, the Parks Department holds an intervention for him about Tammy, even playing a previously recorded tape of Ron warning himself to stay away from her. Ron ignores the warnings and prepares to take Tammy to his cabin for a sex-filled honeymoon after her bridal shower. Leslie blames Tom for the dilemma and, although he initially claims to be unfazed, Tom later arrives at the bridal shower to stop Ron from going on the honeymoon. He reveals the whole marriage is a ploy by Tammy to once again make him miserable. Tammy attacks and mercilessly beats Tom, prompting Ron to remember what a monster she truly is and dump her. He literally carries Tom away, and the two later make amends. Despite the bad impression he made the day before, Ben asks Trumple for the Harvest Festival favor. The chief unconditionally agrees out of respect for Leslie, who he said always helps everyone, and because Leslie once dated his friend Dave Sanderson. Ben seems relieved Leslie and Dave are no longer together, and he later asks Leslie out to eat.
In a subplot, April Ludgate is working as Chris Traeger's assistant until he goes back to Indianapolis. April's cynical personality clashes with Chris' relentless optimism and happiness. In an attempt to get fired, April purposely neglects to tell Ann Perkins that Chris cannot make a lunch date. When Ann arrives to confront Chris, she quickly realizes April's ploy. Ann reveals she is very happy dating Chris, and would even probably move with him to Indianapolis if asked. Andy Dwyer, who is still trying to win back April's affections, gives Chris an obviously forged letter from the FBI claiming April must immediately return to the Parks Department. Chris sees through the ruse and tells April she can go back, but that remaining his assistant may provide her career opportunities. He invites her to return with him to Indianapolis and she seems interested, leaving both Ann and Andy stunned and jealous.
Jack Cooper: It appears you have an overdue book.
Ron: Oh, do I?
Jack Cooper: [reads the title] "It's Not the Size of the Boat: Embracing Life with a Micropenis."
Ron: [realizes] Tammy.
Ron: My ex-wife, Tammy, likes to check in every so often and to make sure I'm doing okay. And if I am, she tries to f**k everything up.
Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.
Ben: You know what I like? Calzones.
Chief Trumple: What the hell's wrong with this guy?
Leslie: I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library book-peddling, sex crazy she-demon.
[Behind her, Tammy is dancing seductively on the bar counter]
Ron: [as Tammy roughly flirts with Tom] Tammy, leave him out of this!
Tammy: Oh, so it's okay for you to have a girlfriend but I'm not supposed to see anybody??!
Ron: Dammit, woman! Just crawl back into the dank hole you came from and leave my friends alone! [Tammy slaps Ron in the face, horrifying everybody - especially Leslie]
Leslie: [sees Tammy and Ron walk up to her] Uh-oh. Oh, God. Okay. What's- hey! What's happening here?
Tammy: Ron and I are going to get a cup of coffee and talk things out.
[a look of dreaded horror crosses Leslie's face]
Ron: It's time for me and Tammy to bury the hatchet once and for all. [reassuring] Everything will be fine.
[Leslie is still filled with dread, then the scene cuts to the Pawnee Police Station]
[Ron and Tammy are both in a holding cell]
Ron: Leslie! Congratulate us!
Tammy: [showing her wedding ring] Ron's got one just like it on his penis.
Ron: Oh, yeah.
Leslie: What the hell happened to you??
Ron: Well... [the camera cuts to last nights events: Ron and Tammy argue loudly, make out wildly on a police car, get a hair makeover to the tune of "Hey Man, Nice Shot" by Filter, have fun in a department store, break into the Parks Department, and get wedded culminating with immediate sex]
Ron: It's been kind of a crazy night.
Ron: [after being released from jail] Can you turn the radio off? This is our song.
Ben: Your song is "Dancing On the Ceiling" by Lionel Richie? [turns back and notices Ron's altered mustache] Oh! Well, look at that. You shaved off part of your mustache. That's lovely.
Ron: I didn't shave it off. It rubbed off... from friction. [Ben and Leslie react in disgust]
Leslie: Ron Swanson, this is an intervention. You have been spending the last 24 hours sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy. Well, the people in this room are your methadone. [the camera shows Tom, Andy, and Donna] And we are here to get you clean.
Jerry: [enters with a present] Congratulations! Holy Matrimony! There is the man of the hour. [hands the present to Ron]
Leslie: Jerry, what is this?
Jerry: It's a set of tumblers I got from the registry.
Leslie: This is an intervention.
Jerry: I thought you said on the phone it was a "reception".
Donna: [to Ron] You used to be a man. You need to get your house in order. Look, I love you like a brother. But right now I hate you. Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate!
Tom: [to Ron] Ron, you look great. Your skin is glowing, I have never seen you so happy. So-
Leslie: [interrupts] Okay, sit down! [Tom stops talking and sits down]
Andy: [to Ron] Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now. But... no matter what... you must keep going.
Leslie: [shaking her head] No.
Andy: [corrects himself] You must stop. And I love you, buddy. Follow your dreams. [he sits down]
Leslie: Powerful stuff.
Ron: [an early recording] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that once again you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together." But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite... who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So, you have two choices - (1) Get rid of Tammy, or (2) Lobotomy and Castration. Choose wisely. Stupid f**k. [Video Ron reaches to the shut the camera off]
Ron: [he stops the video] This is a waste of time. You people have no idea what you're talking about.
Leslie: [dumbfounded] That was you! On the tape. That was you talking!
Ron: We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.
Tammy: We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a 40-pound bag of peanuts, for energy.
Leslie: [feeling sick] Oh, God.
Ron: [upon seeing Tammy viciously attacking Tom] Tammy, THAT'S ENOUGH!!
Ron: [to Tammy] You almost had me. Again. But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man...
Tom: [taking offense] Hey!
Ron: ...reminded me what kind of monster you are.
Tammy: You're a joke! You're not even a man anymore! Oh, and by the way, last night I faked four out of the seven!
Ron: [chuckles] So did I. [Jerry gasps as Tammy looks away upset]
Leslie: Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir.