|I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 and was hit by a school bus, and then again when I heard that Li'l Sebastian had passed.|
|— Ron Swanson|
Leslie Knope announces Li'l Sebastian, Pawnee's beloved celebrity miniature horse, has died and that the Parks Department will hold a memorial service for him. Tom Haverford suggests they hire Entertainment 720 for the event, a production company recently started by his friend Jean-Ralphio Saperstein. Jean-Ralphio encourages Tom to come work with him on the company, but Tom is reluctant to leave his city hall job. Meanwhile, the extremely health-conscious Chris Traeger finds out he has tendonitis, and takes the news so seriously that he questions his own mortality. Leslie and Ben Wyatt continue their romance despite a no-dating policy at city hall, but they have difficulty keeping it a secret. Ron Swanson finds out and warns them that Chris will fire them if he learns about it.
As the city prepares for the memorial service, Leslie and Ben are caught making out by a maintenance worker named George Williams, so they send him home with a gift certificate in exchange for his silence. Unfortunately, George had the propane for Li'l Sebastian's eternal flame, which results in later confusion behind the scenes, that Leslie and Ben struggle to fix throughout the night. Jerry Gergich is sent to get propane for the flame but buys lighter fluid instead; this causes a huge fireball to shoot into the air when Ron lights it, which singes off his eyebrows, part of his mustache and hair. Leslie and Ben are relieved, however, when the crowd applauds in the belief the fireball was staged. Entertainment 720's show also proves to be a hit with the crowd, which makes Tom further contemplate quitting his job.
At a party afterward, Andy Dwyer receives praise for his Li'l Sebastian tribute song, "5,000 Candles in the Wind." April Ludgate sells many Mouse Rat CDs at an inflated price, which spurs Andy to ask her to become the group's manager. Indirectly responsible for nearly killing Ron, Leslie and Ben agree to no more secret displays of affection at work. Ann Perkins, who previously dated Chris and had trouble getting over him, offers comfort to Chris for his depression. This makes him appear romantically interested in Ann once again. A conflicted Tom decides to resign and accept a job with Entertainment 720. Meanwhile, Ron is confronted by his evil ex-wife Tammy 2 at the party. But both Ron and Tammy are horrified to learn his other ex-wife, also named Tammy (aka "Tammy 1"), has also arrived in town.
Leslie is approached by political scouts Elizabeth and William Barnes, who are looking for potential candidates for elected office, which has always been one of Leslie's dreams. Impressed by the memorial service and the Harvest Festival Leslie previously organized, they believe she would be a good candidate for upcoming City Council seats, or possibly the mayoral position. With the expected increased media attention on her personal life, the scouts ask whether Leslie has any secret scandals in her life. She denies any such scandals exist, thus omitting her secret relationship with Ben, and the scouts promise to contact her about preparing an electoral run.
Jean-Ralphio: I made my money the old fashioned way. I got run over by a Lexus.
Leslie: I have some very important news about our favorite mini horse, Li'l Sebastian. [everyone cheers, until Ron shows a picture of Li'l Sebastian with the caption "LI'L SEBASTIAN R.I.P."] He died last night.
Tom: No! [Jerry gasps]
Leslie: But we can take comfort in the fact that he's in Heaven, now. Doing the two things he loves doing the most: eating carrots and urinating freely.
Ron: When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast, I thought, 'All right. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But then, I found out it was Li'l Sebastian... Half-mast is too high. Show some damn respect!
Leslie: We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the proceeds will go towards Li'l Sebastian's favorite charity: the Afghan Institute of Learning.
Ron: I think if you would know one thing about me it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.
Ron: [holding the lit torch and addressing the crowd] I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus, and then again when I heard Li'l Sebastian had passed. His memory will live on as today we light a fire that will burn on for eternity.
Ben: Okay. Deep breath. I think we got through it.
Leslie: Thank God. Hey, Jerry, you put propane in the eternal flame, right?
Jerry: No, they were out. So I just got a big thing of lighter fluid - it's kind of the same thing. [a fireball goes off, nearly incinerating Ron as everyone gasps]
Donna: Oh! [tries to play it off] Ohh! We planned that! Wow! Wow! [everyone applauds]
Ben: Ohh! Yaayy!
Ron: An hour ago an entire fireball consumed my entire face and it was far preferable to spending another second with you.
Tammy 2: Tell that to your pants tent.
Tammy 2: Guess I'll be heading home.
Ron: Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's butthole?
Tammy 2: Actually I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville station.
Donna: Red alert, Swanson! Your ex-wife's back!
Ron: No kidding, Donna.
Donna: Not her. The other ex-wife.
Ron: ...Tammy 1?
Donna: She's in your office.
[They all look at Ron's window and see a woman partially obscured by the blinds]
Tammy 2: Oh *bleep*! [runs away in fear]