This article contains spoilers for the Parks and Recreation show. Continue at your own risk.
|Then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. But if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.|
|— Leslie Knope|
Leslie Knope and Ron Swanson head up to Indianapolis to receive a commendation at the Indiana Statehouse for reestablishing the Pawnee Harvest Festival, although Ron is only interested in eating at Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, his favorite restaurant. Ann Perkins tells Leslie her last talk with Chris Traeger reassured her their relationship was fine, but he has been acting distant since then. Leslie volunteers to look for signs of whether Chris is cheating on her, since he has since returned to Indianapolis.
Tom Haverford is attending a launch party for cologne maker Dennis Feinstein at The Snakehole Lounge, where Tom hopes to pitch his own cologne "Tommy Fresh" to him. Ben Wyatt initially turns down the invitation because he does not want to get too attached to anybody, since his job will require him move soon. However, Ben relents when Tom invites him again at Leslie's urging. Ben also notes that "Dennis Feinstein" is not a very exotic name considering his job in the perfume business, but Tom explains that Dennis' real name, "Dante Fiero" is considered LESS exotic in Pawnee. Meanwhile, April Ludgate and Andy Dwyer are now dating, but Andy is worried he is too broke to take her out.
Leslie and Ron visit Chris' apartment, where Leslie discovers a woman's razor and a pink swimming cap in the bathroom. Upon hearing this, Ann decides to drive up to Indianapolis to confront Chris. To Ron's horror, Charles Mulligan's has been shut down by the health department, so Chris invites everyone back to his place for food. To make matters worse for Ron, Chris prepares vegetarian dishes, and Ron nearly passes out as he had been starving himself with the expectation of eating at Mulligan's. At the launch party, Tom approaches Dennis, who insults "Tommy Fresh" and quickly dismisses Tom. Ben cheers him up and tells him not to give up on his dreams, admitting that he considers Tom his friend. Andy and April, who are both broke, hold a contest to see how much free stuff they can each get at the party, earning $218 by posing as staff and accepting tips. However, they both feel guilty and put the money in the bar's tip jar.
Ann eventually shows up at Chris' apartment and lashes out at him, but he explains he shaves his legs with the razor for swimming, and the pink shower cap was for swimming in a breast cancer awareness triathlon. However, he tells Ann they broke up last week during their talk; Ann realizes that Chris was so positive in how he ended the relationship that she was totally oblivious to it. Leslie decides not to attend the commendation ceremony so she can drive Ann home that night, cheering her up during the trip by telling her all the numerous embarrassing ways she has been dumped over the years. They end up at the Snakehole Lounge for the party to rendezvous with everyone else. As they all leave the party, Ben avenges Tom by pouring "Tommy Fresh" all over the inside of Dennis' parked SUV. Meanwhile, a starving Ron goes to a diner and orders all of the bacon and eggs they have.
Andy: I want to treat April like a queen. And queens deserve flowers and massages, chocolate, booze, diamonds, rubies, emeralds, them treasure chests full of scarves, different kinds of lubes that warm up when you rub them on stuff.
Ben: I move around a lot, so the friends I make in these cities, they're like Facebook friends, you know? "Hey, Doug from Bloomington is thinking about buying a shirt." Come on, Doug, who cares?
Ron: Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse, the best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. June 2004: Porterhouse, medium rare, Bearnaise sauce. January 2000: They call this one, The Enforcer. February '96: The steak: ribeye. The whiskey: Lagavulin 16. The lady next to me? A bitch. Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy. OK, this is the first I ever went there. [amused] Look at me. Just a kid.
Leslie: He's not going to be able to keep anything from me. In high school they used to call me Angela Lansbury... but that was because of my hair cut.
Leslie: [after learning Ron has been fasting] Fasting is not healthy for you, Ron.
Ron: Leslie, you need to understand. We are heading for the most special place on Earth. When I'm done eating a Mulligan's meal, for weeks afterwards there are flecks of meat in my mustache and I refuse to clean it because - every now and then - a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.
Leslie: Oh, I forgot to tell you. Chris Traeger is joining us for dinner tonight.
Ron: Please tell me he's meeting us at the restaurant.
Leslie: No, we are picking him up.
Ron: [upset] Dammit, woman!
Tom: His real name is Dante Fiero, but he changed it to Dennis Feinstein 'cause that's way more exotic in Pawnee.
Leslie: Chris is cheating on Ann. There's evidence everywhere. She's coming up here so they can have it out.
Ron: Ask her to bring some garlic salt. I'm worried Chris doesn't have any.
[Ron, Leslie, and Chris have arrived at Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse... only to find it shut down]
Ron: Oh, my God. [begins to panic] They-They just forgot to unlock the door, that's all. [tries to open the door]
Leslie: Ron, it looks like they're closed. [takes a closer look at a sign on the door] Some kind of health code violation.
[Ron is not paying attention and tries to bust the door down]
Leslie: Ron, stop it! Ron!
[Ron finally notices the sign and reads it; his heart has been broken to pieces]
Ron: [to the camera] They just boarded her up like she was some common warehouse. [tries to fight back tears] I should have been here.
Chris: [offering salad to Ron] Ron, would you like some salad?
Ron: [chuckles] Since I am not a rabbit, no, I do not.
Chris: Try it. Salad's good for you.
Ron: You got it. [once Chris turns his back, Ron pours the salad back] Mmm. Delicious.
[Ron screams in horror - he's holding something that isn't meat]
Ron: What in the devil's name is this??!
Chris: Portobello mushrooms.
Ron: Where's the steak?!
Chris: Oh, there's no steak. That's a healthier option. It's organically grown.
Ron: [feeling weak] Oh.
Leslie: Ron? Are you okay? [starts to keel over] Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay! [to Chris] Can you get us a cold compress or something?
Leslie: One time when I was in high school a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time when I was on a date and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and then the guy said he wasn't feeling it, so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for awhile, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me to never call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers. And then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.
[Ron is at a diner and is given a steak dinner... but that's not what it looks like]
Ron: This... isn't a steak. Why would you call it that on your menu?
Waiter: I don't know what to tell you, man.
Ron: [gathers himself] Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand? [the waiter nods]