This article contains spoilers for the Parks and Recreation show. Continue at your own risk.
Leslie Knope is still in the process of finding a way to defeat Gryzzl, but it is becoming increasingly unlikely that she will find anything substantial enough to outweigh a $90 million bid. Just as she begins considering giving up, a package arrives at her front door via a Gryzzl drone. Leslie discovers that she is not the only one who has received such a package, as Donna Meagle was also sent a "Gryzzlbox". Donna explains that the gifts sent in her box were developed specifically for her based on detail that could only have come from private text and phone conversations. Ben Wyatt deduces that Gryzzl must be data mining as Leslie's box also has very personal-related artifacts in it. Due to data mining being an extreme invasion of privacy and illegal, Leslie now has a lead in which to use against Gryzzl. A public forum is held to gauge the town's reaction to Gryzzlboxes, which turns out to be a resounding disapproval. So, with the town and Donna behind her, Leslie attempts to convince Ron Swanson to side with her, but he is having none of it as he believes it's the people who are the foolish ones for owning and using devices that can be tracked in the first place. Despite this setback, Donna agrees to organize a private tour of the current Gryzzl building in order for Leslie and Ben to snoop around. Leslie quizzes Roscoe, Gryzzl's vice-president, on the company's use of data mining, to which Roscoe openly admits to the practice, explaining how Gryzzl's software has algorithms which cater toward providing their customers with whatever they desire. Leslie offers Roscoe a chance to debate these questionable practices on TV as she figures it will be a great way to humiliate the company as she presents her evidence. However, just prior to the airing, Ron brings forth the 27th version of the Pawnee-Gryzzl free wireless agreement and highlights an amendment made in December 2015 which states they can gather and use any information they want; Ben is furious at himself for having missed the minute change. This clause absolves Gryzzl of any wrong doing and abolishes Leslie's case. While what they are doing is technically not illegal, Ben wants Roscoe and Gryzzl to know that their current practices are not ethical and implores Roscoe to be more upfront with the public in the future. The following night, Ron arrives on Leslie and Ben's doorstep with a Gryzzl drone that he personally destroyed after it sent a Gryzzlbox to his four-year old son—he subsequently declares his allegiance to Leslie's cause and agrees to help her take them down.
Meanwhile, Tom Haverford is trying to distract himself with work in order to keep his mind off of Lucy, who has returned to Chicago to visit her boyfriend. Andy Dwyer presents Tom with an opportunity to become his agent—Andy is unsatisfied with a contract offered to him by the station manager where he does his show Johnny Karate as it will sign off his rights to the ownership of the character. Tom agrees to help Andy renegotiate his contract. The pair meet with the station manager Hank Muntak. Hank is a tough negotiator and offers only minute upgrades, to which Tom is not satisfied with. Hank agrees to offer up more, including raising his weekly salary from $100 to $500, but Tom is more interested in gaining the rights to Johnny Karate. Tom is successful in doing so, but only after begging Hank until he gave in. That night, Lucy returns from Chicago after breaking up with her boyfriend, thus leaving the door open for Tom and Lucy to get together in the future.
Elsewhere, Craig Middlebrooks asks April Ludgate to deliver a welcome speech to the new potential Parks Department interns, seeing as she got her start via the program. She reluctantly agrees but is hell bent on making sure none of the candidates are successful, believing if they become an intern at the department, they are essentially throwing their lives away. April latches on to a girl named Jen, who she believes "has almost zero potential" and is much like she was when she first started i.e. unmotivated, no charisma, and no passion for the work ahead. She sways Jen from doing the internship and suggests going to do "something fun" instead. Craig is not pleased with April's efforts upon finding out that Jen has left. He explains to her that she needs to stop accusing her 10 years of being with the Parks Department as a waste of time—she did amazing work with the department during her tenure, all the while learning from a great mentor in Leslie; Craig suggests that if it wasn't for the internship, April would have gone on to do a truly mundane job. April, realizing how irrational she was being, makes up for her actions the next day by bringing in a large number of new potential interns for Craig to consider.
Craig's list of Great Things About Being AliveEdit
- watermelon martinis
- exposed brick
- Keri Russell's hair
- Martha Stewart's apron line
- my [Craig's] tomato plants
- sweet potato pie
- unlikely animal friend pairings
- Jennifer Love Hewitt
- Victor Garber
- James Garner
- Jennifer Garner
Donna: Knope, I need to talk to you.
Leslie: What's up?
Donna: I know I technically work for Gryzzl, but these fools have crossed a line. Have you gotten one of these Gryzzleboxes?
Leslie: Well, yeah, but I haven't opened it yet. [puts her Gryzzlbox on her lap] I'm planning on sending it back after I wrote a sternly-worded letter about how I cannot be bought with free gifts.
Donna: These are my free gifts. [reaches in her Gryzzlbox and pulls out] Two honey bears, and a canister of sugar plums. "Honey bear" and "Sugar plum" are the special names Joe and I call each other.
Ben, Leslie: [touched] Awww!
Donna: Yeah, we're adorable. But this is creepy. Because we only call each other these things on the phone or in text.
Ben: [suspicious] Leslie, open that box they sent you.
Leslie: [opens her Gryzzlbox] Ooh! Joe Biden's book: "Biden the Rails: 1001 Poems Inspired by My Travels Through Amtrak's Northeast Corridor".
Ben: A thousand?
Leslie: [gasps] A poster of the Supreme Court Justices sipping the "Friends" milkshake?? This stuff is perfect for me!
Ben: [suspicions confirmed] Yeah, exactly. They must be data mining. Searching our texts and emails and gathering profiles on all of us. This is a huge invasion of privacy. Not to mention illegal.
Donna: I never would have agreed to work with them if I had known they were gonna be snooping on my biz. Gryzzl is going down.
Craig Middlebrooks: April? The new Parks intern start today and I was wondering if you would deliver a little Welcome speech.
April: No. Go away.
Craig Middlebrooks: [to himself] Watermelon martinis, exposed brick, Keri Russell's hair.
April: Why did you say those weird things?
Craig Middlebrooks: On the advice of my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, whenever I feel like yelling I just take a deep breath and say three great things about being alive.
April: I started working here when I was 20. And now I'm old and gross and directionless. [points to an office with some people waiting inside] Those kids are me ten years ago. And this internship is the videotape from "The Ring". It's too late for me and I've seen too much, but maybe I can save them. [turns toward the office] YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE IN HERE! [the people in the office look at her confused]
Woman: They sent my husband three boxes of genital cream to his office. My husband's blotchy genitals are no one's business, except for his, mine, and his many genital doctors.
Man: They sent me a bunch of toy pigs dressed like movie stars. That's my private hobby. No one knows I collect toy pigs dressed like movie stars. Except now all of you people.
Ben: [referring to the one the man is holding] Which one is that?
Man: This is actually Hamuel Jackson from the movie "Pork Fiction". It is extremely rare and I am keeping it, but still they have no right to give me something I will treasure the rest of my life.
Woman 2: I opened my box in front of all my friends and it was... a bunch of Virginia Woolf novels. Now Miley and Haley know I like to read! What if they tell Devin?
Leslie: The town is with us, Donna is on our side, and the next domino to fall? [pulls up a toy pig] Ron Swanson! Actually, this is Tom Selloink. But, you know, close enough.
Man: Actually, I'm gonna need that back.
Leslie: Oh! Yes, of course. [hands the toy pig to him]