A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening toward Bummer-town, but now I'm infected with a deadly virus. And I feel fine! Therapy!
Chris Traeger

"Emergency Response" is the thirteenth episode of season 5 of the NBC television series Parks and Recreation. It originally aired on February 14th, 2013 to 3.18 million viewers.

Storyline Edit

The time has finally come for Leslie Knope and Councilman Jeremy Jamm to pitch their proposals for what should occupy Lot 48. The two come before the Planning Committee, where Leslie is outshone by Jamm, who simply brings in burgers from Paunch Burger to win over the committee members. Leslie is informed that the committee is leaning toward Jamm's proposal due to the fact that Leslie's Pawnee Commons project is short $50,000, and the committee simply can't approve an underfunded project. Leslie has a week to come up with the money, so she and Ben Wyatt team up to organize a black tie gala fundraiser. However, aware of her plan to raise money, Jamm invites the Indiana Department of Emergency Preparedness to come to Pawnee for their annual review of the city.

Screen Shot 2013-03-15 at 3.04.16 PM

Leslie's "Mission Im-Pawnee-ble: Knope Protocol" Emergency Response Plan

This year, Leslie has been appointed the Pawnee Emergency Czar, and while on any other day she would ace all tasks required, she is distracted by her absence from the event set up. The drill disaster chosen for this year is avian flu, a choice which excites Leslie due to it's simplicity. Having already made binders for everyone, titled "Mission Im-Pawnee-ble: Knope Protocol", Leslie attempts to breeze through proceedings.

Meanwhile, Ben does his best to co-ordinate the gala set up in Leslie's place. He assigns Donna Meagle the task of organizing chairs, while Ron Swanson volunteers to go on Pawnee Today to promote the event. Tom Haverford is also busy rounding up caterers who would be willing to supply food for the event for free.

After Jamm deliberately sabotages the drill by not completing his assigned task, Leslie is forced to completely fluff the drill in order to end proceedings and get back to the gala, much to Jamm's dismay. Leslie implements actions that "kills everyone in Pawnee", and for the 13th year in a row, Pawnee fails disaster preparedness. Leslie could not care less and races back to Lot 48 expecting nothing to be ready. She is pleasantly surprised to find that her friends have all chipped in and the gala is in full swing. It is revealed that Tom recruited all of Paunch Burger's competitors to supply food, while Ron's effective marketing on Pawnee Today worked, with a large number turning out to the event. The gala is a success, and Leslie proudly announces that they reached their fundraising goal. In the midst of celebration, Leslie and Ben gloss over how well their gala night planned out and Leslie confesses to Ben that she wishes she was married to him already. This inspires Ben to ask Leslie to marry him tonight, as the episode ends with "to be continued"...

In a B plot, April Ludgate accompanies Andy Dwyer to the Pawnee Police Station where Andy is set to take his Police Entrance Exam. Andy is extremely nervous and stumbles through his personality examination. He did, however, get 100% in his written test, but his failed personality examination leads to Andy not gaining the necessary qualification to be a police officer, much to the disappointment of Chris Traeger, who has always had high hopes for Andy.


Tom: Love fades away. But things... things are forever.

Leslie: If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? I hope so! Because the only way that this gala is going to happen is if you do everything I say.

Ann: That's Mission Im-Pawnee-able: Knope Protocol.

Donna: The tables showed up which is good, but there are no chairs which is bad.

Chris: A few months ago the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening toward Bummer-town, but now I'm infected with a deadly virus. And I feel fine!

Leslie: Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you.

Brett: Oh, who you want me to kill? I'll kill him, as soon as I'm done with these birds.

Leslie: Well, this simulated disaster is a total disaster.

Andy: Well, everyone calls me Andy, but my full name is Andrew...? I think...

Andy: First I’d be like, "Dad, you’re alive? What the hell?" Also, "Do you know where my catcher’s mitt is?"

Ron: You're on the air.
Caller 1: Hi. Uh, what's wrong with Joan?
Ron: She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies.
Caller 1: Is she gonna be okay?
Ron: Wouldn't know - never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan fried and salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks and go to sleep.

Ron: Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala, or one of my other interests: woodworking, novels about tall ships, meat... that sort of thing.

Leslie: It is with a heavy heart that I say: we have been Jammed.

Leslie: Oh, no! Pawnee has been hit with a Tornado Quake!

Ron: This is Ron. Go ahead, caller.
Caller 2: Hi, my Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that?
Ron: Great question. Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. The next thing you'll want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat and cats are pointless.

Ron: "Grapes of Wrath", chocolate chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash.

Ron: Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons.

Ron: Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely.

Ron: Whatever happened to "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you!" That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country.

Ron: I've seen three movies in my life: "Bridge on the River Kwai", "Patton", and "Herbie: Fully Loaded". [referring to the latter movie] My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny.

Leslie: No one achieves anything alone.

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