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It's not for me. These waffles make great dog laxatives.
Lindsay Carlisle Shay

"Eagleton" is the twelfth episode of season 3 of the NBC television series Parks and Recreation. It originally aired on May 5, 2011 to 5.06 million viewers.


Eagleton, a more prosperous neighboring town of Pawnee, has erected a tall fence in the shared Lafayette Park to keep Pawnee residents out of their side. Leslie Knope suspects it is the work of Lindsay Carlisle Shay, Eagleton's Parks and Recreation Director, a former Pawnee Parks Department employee and Leslie's former best friend. Meanwhile, Leslie has discovered Ron Swanson's upcoming birthday, a date he has kept secret for years. Leslie promises a horrified and annoyed Ron that she will throw a surprise party for him.

In a typically rowdy and disorderly public meeting, the citizens of Pawnee demand the fence be removed. Leslie meets with Lindsay, who condescendingly refuses to remove the fence and insults Pawnee in the process. Leslie, Tom Haverford and Ben Wyatt attend an Eagleton town meeting to plead their case to its citizens. The Eagleton meeting is much different than those of Pawnee: it is a catered affair at a country club, where the citizens are wealthy and civil. Citing the poor maintenance of Pawnee's side of Lafayette Park, the Eagleton citizens prefer the fence stay up. Leslie reveals to Tom and Ben that she was offered the job of Eagleton parks director five years ago but turned it down, as she and Lindsay both made a promise to remain in Pawnee. However, Eagleton then offered Lindsay the job and she accepted, thus turning her back on Pawnee and Leslie. Meanwhile, Ron becomes increasingly paranoid of Leslie's birthday plans, especially after he overhears April Ludgate and Andy Dwyer discuss outrageous party plans. Ron eventually becomes so paranoid that he resorts to sleeping in his office to avoid any potential surprises at home.

Leslie quickly seeks revenge against Lindsay by getting her parks employees to throw garbage over the Eagleton side of the fence. When Lindsay arrives to stop it, the two get into a fight amid the garbage bags. The police arrive and arrest both women: Lindsay is jailed in Pawnee, while Leslie is jailed in Eagleton's pristine and hotel-like holding cell. After Ann Perkins bails Leslie out, she tells her that Lindsay built the fence because she is jealous that Leslie was offered the Eagleton job first and wants to get a rise out of her. Ann suggests that Lindsay should be hit with a baseball bat, which gives Leslie the idea to turn Pawnee's side of Lafayette Park into a whiffle ball field, with the fence serving as the outfield wall. Lindsay is impressed by how fast Leslie turned the fence into something positive, and remembers why she and Leslie joined the parks department in the first place. With their relationship on the mend, the two agree to get a drink together. Later, Leslie returns to the office to throw Ron's party: she takes him to an empty room with steak, whiskey and his favorite movies waiting for him, and reveals that April and Andy's duties were false leads to trick him. Leslie explains she made a party that he would want and leaves a content Ron alone to enjoy his birthday.


Ron: I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus, the whole thing is a scam: birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

Lindsay Carlisle Shay: Hi, Dan.
Ben: [corrects her] Ben.
Lindsay Carlisle Shay: It's unimportant; it won't come up again. [Ben looks at the camera feeling slighted]

Leslie: Okay, well I am on Operation No More Fence, so I am putting you in charge of Operation Ron's Party. Colon Shock and Awe.
April: I'm all over it.
Leslie: I just need you to do what's on that list. [Ron, in his office, is looking at Leslie with his face full of dread]

Ron: Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.

April: [on the phone] Yes, hi. I have a question about your inflatable saxophones? [Ron hears this and is alarmed] Do those come in different sizes? I'm gonna need about forty dozen of those. Also, what about your neon gangster fedora hats? [Ron disconnects her call; she looks up at him] That was rude.
Ron: Whatever is going on here, stop it immediately.

April: [enters Ron's office] Hey, Ron. How is the street parking at your house?
Ron: What?
April: Can you handle, like, twenty cars? Or a double decker party bus?
Ron: There is no street parking at my house... My house is not even on a street.

April: Do you have space for, like, a huge circus tent? [Ron sees Ann arrive with balloons and runs out to her]
Ann: Hey, Ron. Have you seen-? [Ron pops the balloons] Wait, what the hell?! No! [Ron pops one more balloon] Oh!
Ron: Well, it looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.
Ann: These were for a sick child at the hospital! [the last remaining balloon reveals the printed words: "GET WELL SOON, TYRONE!"]

Ron: I'm only gonna ask you this once. What is going on with my birthday?
Ann: [surprised and excited] Oh my God, Ron, it's your birthday?? Happy Birthday!
Ron: Shut your damn mouth!
Ann: [not so excited] This is a fun conversation.

Ron: Just tell me what Leslie is planning.
Ann: Honestly, I-I don't know. I haven't heard anything.
Ron: Why don't you tell me what she did for your last birthday?
Ann: Oh, well, that was intense. She totally surprised me. She kidnapped me from work and she took me to that place, Señor Vegas? You know, where the mariachi band comes out, they put a big sombrero on you and everybody sings "Happy Birthday".
Ron: [wincing] Damn it.
Ann: And then, we went back to my house and she invited basically everyone I knew. And she had this great guy doing face painting and I had my face painted like a fairy tiger.
Ron: [groans in disgust] Ugh.
Ann: Also, she did it like a week before my birthday which is genius 'cuz I had no idea it was coming. And then there was a bouncy castle. Did you know they made those for adults?
Ron: [feeling sick] Mm-hmm.

Citizen: Why don't we just set fire to the fence, you know, set it ablaze?
Leslie: That's arson.
Citizen: Well, let's leave that up to the lawyers. Point is, it would work.

Andy: [enters Ron's office] Morning, Ron! [Ron is in a white shirt, looking disheveled and gripping a football] Ooh! Dude, you forgot to put a shirt on. I do it all the time; it's fine.
Ron: I slept here.
Andy: Sweet.

Andy: So, a little birdie told me it's your birthday coming up. How about a free birthday shoeshine?
Ron: [alarmed, he gets up and confronts Andy] What did this little birdie tell you is going to happen for my birthday?
Andy: [chuckles] Oh, nice try Ron. You're not getting anything outta me.
Ron: [grabs Andy, anxiously] Andrew, please.

Andy: Leslie swore me to secrecy, so I can't say anything. I owe her so much - I can't ruin it for her.
Ron: [dismayed] Well, I respect that. See you later.
Andy: Okay. Not if I see you first, Uncle Ron. [chuckles] And I probably will, 'cuz Leslie assigned me to the kidnap squad. [he leaves; Ron exhales in a nervous panic]

Leslie: I doth proclaim to be a stupid fart face.

Leslie: The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsay in the face and shoving a coffee filter down her pants. But, in my defense, I believe assault should be legal if a person is a jerk.

Lindsay: These waffles make great dog laxatives.
Leslie: [reaching her boiling point] Don't you dare... feed that waffle to that dog to get it to poop. [Lindsay does so, and Leslie is appalled]
Ben: Leslie... [he's too late - Leslie attacks Lindsay in a rage]

Andy: GARBAGE FIGHT!! [excitingly attacks Tom with a garbage bag]

Leslie: [enters Ron's office] Hey, did you hear the news? Ben and Chris want us to go into conference room C for a meeting.
Ron: [resigned] Let's get this over with.
[He gets up and follows Leslie to the room. He briefly looks at the camera uneasily as if to say, "Here goes nothing." Leslie opens the door and Ron flinches... but he finds no one inside - only a single chair and table with steak, bacon, some food condiments, whiskey, a Mulligan's Steakhouse bib, and his favorite movies]
Leslie: Happy Birthday, Ron.

Leslie: Do you remember what you said to me five years ago when Eagleton offered me that job and I asked you for your advice?
Ron: Uh, "Do whatever the hell you want. What do I care?"
Leslie: Right, but then... after, when I pressed you, what did you say?
Ron: I believe I said that "I thought we worked well together, and that I might disagree with your philosophy but I respected you." And I said that "you'll get a lot of job offers in your life, but you only have one hometown."
Leslie: Yes, that's how I remember it.

Leslie: This, by the way, is a one-time only situation. Next year, your birthday party's gonna be a rager. [she leaves; Ron has a half-smile]