This article contains spoilers for the Parks and Recreation show. Continue at your own risk.
|The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy.|
|— Ron Swanson|
The episode begins with Ron Swanson horrifying the Parks and Recreation Department by apparently pulling an aching tooth out of his own mouth with a pair of pliers at a recycling meeting. He later admits it was a prank, as a dentist had removed the tooth the previous day, but clarifies that it's important to "demonstrate to your co-workers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, it's always fun to see Tom faint." Later, Andy Dwyer and April Ludgate come into the office and hand out invitations to a dinner party they're hosting at Burly's house. After receiving their invitations, Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope run into each in the hallway. Ben tells Leslie that his boss in Indianapolis wants him back on the road, but he has also been offered a job to work under Chris Traeger (now City Manager) in Pawnee. Although Leslie wants Ben to stay, when he asks her opinion, she is hesitant to say so outright, telling him "it's a tough call" and to make a pros and cons list. This disappoints Ben and leaves him conflicted over which job to take.
That night, Ann Perkins attends a Singles Night at a bar named Mezze, but feels very uncomfortable with this switch in lifestyle. Ann encounters Donna Meagle at the bar, but Donna wants nothing to do with her stating "every woman for herself". She tells Ann her to go away, viewing her as competition.
At the party, Leslie discovers that the event is a ruse to disguise a surprise wedding that Andy and April planned. Leslie spends most of the party trying to dissuade them, since they have been dating for less than a month and have no place to live. She says things to April to try to discourage them and spreads the word to almost all of the Parks and Recreation Department employees at the party. However, Ron believes it is not Leslie's place to interfere with their decision. Tom Haverford is thrilled when Andy makes him his best man, but his excitement lessens when Andy also asks Ron, Chris, and several others to be his "best men". Tom instead focuses on being the "best" best man and tries to throw an impromptu bachelor party.
Back at Mezze, Donna chooses to help Ann with her flirting game. She offers her advice after witnessing Ann's awkward attempts. When Ann hears about Andy getting married from Leslie, she considers going home, as she and Andy dated for several years. Donna tells Ann to forget her past and enjoy herself in the present. Ann ends up having a good time at the mixer and gets several phone numbers.
Although Leslie plans to object during the ceremony, she cannot bring herself to do it and comes to accept the marriage. Andy and April officially become man and wife. Afterward, Ron explains to Leslie that she did not object because deep down she knew that Andy and April would get married no matter what, and that there is no correct way to do things when it comes to matters of the heart, using his own three former marriages as an example. During the reception, April privately tells Leslie how much she appreciates her, flattering Leslie. Andy makes a speech to the guests, where he calls Tom his "best" best man, much to Tom's delight. He tells the crowd that life is short and that he and April simply did what made them happy. Taking Andy’s advice, Leslie asks Ben to stay in Pawnee, and he surprises her by revealing that he has already accepted Chris' job offer. At the end of the episode, the group receives a video from April and Andy enjoying their honeymoon.
Ben: So while they repaint the lines in the parking lot, we're asking everyone to do street parking.
Donna: I'm not street parking my Mercedes.
Ben: Well, everyone is. I'm doing it.
Donna: 'Cuz nobody wants to steal a Saturn.
Ben: All right, moving on to recycling- [Ron groans]
Leslie: You okay, Ron?
Ron: Just a little tooth pain. I'm fine. Continue.
Ben: Okay. Each department will be getting blue bins- [Ron groans again] Do you need to go to the dentist, Ron?
Ron: I don't like dentists. Just a second. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out some pliers]
Jerry: Oh, no, no. No! [Ron puts the pliers to his tooth]
Leslie: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!
[everyone mutters, then screams as Ron pulls his tooth out]
Donna: What the f**k??! [Ben runs out of the room]
Jerry: Oh, my God! [April walks out of the room, then Donna]
Ron: I'm sorry, everybody. What were we talking about? Recycling?
Ron: The dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday but it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, it's always fun to see Tom faint. [we see Tom out cold on the ground as Ron smiles, sans tooth]
Donna: Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There are no friends here. It's every woman for herself.
Chris: Hey gang!
Leslie: Hey, what did you bring?
Chris: I was in charge of the cake. [reveals the cake - but it's not a cake] To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf. [everyone looks disappointed] You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
Ron: But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake?
Chris: No, a cake. But this is so much healthier.
Ron: So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake!
Leslie: Take a walk, Ron.
Ron: Yup. [Chris looks at the camera in confusion]
Leslie: [after April and Andy tell her they're getting married] Are you sick? Are you terminal? Is it like that movie "A Walk to Remember"?
Tom: One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.
Leslie: One time I fell madly in love with a civil war re-enactor that I had only known for six hours. And then I found out he wore the clothes all the time... and he was married. But the clothes thing really bothered me.
Tom: I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert... Jean-Ralphio.
Jean-Ralphio: Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?
Jean-Ralphio: Okay, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
Tom: "Swingers" or "Wedding Crashers"?
Jean-Ralphio: "Fred Claus". Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from "Love Actually", hold back your tears, pause... drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.
Ben: No, Orin, I don't know how I'm going to die. Wait, are you asking me or telling me?
Leslie: I love April and Andy, I want them to stay together. And that is why I have to stop their wedding.
April: I guess I kind of hate most things. But I never really seem to hate you. So I want to spend the rest of my life with you, is that cool?
Andy: I want to spend the rest of my life, every minute, with you. And I'm the luckiest man in the galaxy.
Andy: I really think you should just do whatever makes you happy. That's what April and I did. We are in love, so we didn't overthink it. I mean, seriously, I cannot emphasize how little we thought about this.