This article contains spoilers for the Parks and Recreation show. Continue at your own risk.
|We have a massive pest problem in this town and it's because the Animal Control department has been a disaster at catching animals. They're great at ingesting and selling marijuana.|
|— Leslie Knope|
Leslie Knope and Chris Traeger visit Animal Control, where they find a mis-managed department building and ineffective staff. After Chris accidentally steps on a coyote trap in the middle of the floor, he immediately fires the two workers situated at the building, Harris and Brett. At a subsequent city council meeting, Leslie begins the debate as to who the council should elect as the new Animal Control Department Director. However, she finds out that the councilmen usually just takes turns at appointing department heads. This does not sit right with Leslie, so she sets out to find a suitable candidate, and suggests the other councilmen do the same. Her list of candidates is short, with Harris and Brett even showing up just hours after being fired. Jerry Gergich even applies, but it is discovered that he is actually under qualified to even be working at his current job. After throwing out numerous other candidates, Leslie is forced to ask a reluctant April Ludgate to commit to the position. April is heavily scrutinized by the Councilman Jeremy Jamm, and it is clear she is not ready for the role. April then comes up with her own proposal: to absorb Animal Control into the Parks Department, due to its minute budget and its ineffectiveness. The council agrees and Chris appoints April Deputy Director of Animal Control.
Meanwhile, Ben Wyatt is in the process of getting more big companies to donate to the Sweetums Foundation, and he gets his chance to do so after Tom Haverford organizes a meeting with Dennis Feinstein, Pawnee's premiere manufacture of perfumes and colognes. It becomes clear quickly though that Feinstein is very shallow and has no compassion for anyone or anything. Ben feels uncomfortable with the situation but could really use Feinstein's money. Ben finds it difficult to discuss anything specific with Feinstein, as he constantly rebuffs any attempts to come to a deal. Feinstein takes Ben, Tom and Andy Dwyer to the Pawnee Smokehouse where he continues to be rude and arrogant. Peeved at the way Feinstein is treating Ben and Tom, Andy loses his cool and calls Feinstein "a dick". Infuriated, Feinstein kicks the trio out of the Smokehouse. The next day, Andy apologizes to Feinstein; he feigns acceptance of Andy's apology and hands Ben a check for $25,000. However, the check is made out to "Go F*** Yourself" - Feinstein was in fact deceiving them and has no intentions to help anybody. The trio flee the building after Ben, too, calls Feinstein "a dick" for good measure. Having lost out on gaining a big company, Tom agrees to donate five cents from every dollar made at Rent-A-Swag over the coming month.
In a B plot, Ron Swanson contracts strep throat from his girlfriend's children and is cared for by Ann Perkins all day. Ann suggests to Ron that he change his ways and look after himself better, as he is not living alone anymore: he has a loving partner with two children to look after. From a blood test, Ann can see Ron has low potassium and insists he eat a banana every once in a while. Ron reluctantly does so... by placing the banana inside a burger from Paunch Burger.
Harris: That's a cat or a possum. [shows a possum in a cage]
Brett: [after Leslie notices a dead bird on the wall] We found this bird outside. We tried to turn it into a work whistle like in the beginning of the Flintstones. [pulls a string and nothing happens] Tougher than it look, though. [Leslie is appalled]
Leslie: We have a massive pest problem in this town and it's because the Animal Control Department has been a disaster... at catching animals. They're great at... ingesting and selling marijuana.
Leslie: [to Chris] This place is a miserable sock hole run by two pothead losers. It's completely and utterly mismanaged.
Harris: Thanks! [he and Brett are playing a video game]
Chris: There's more than one way to skin a cat.
Brett: Four. There's four ways to skin a cat.
Brett: We got like a huge vermin problem. I mean, we've been meaning to call somebody about it, but, you know, nobody get on the phone.
Leslie: YOU'RE the people you would be calling!
Harris: [laughs] That is so trippy.
Chris: [to the workers after stepping in a coyote trap] You're fired! You're fired! The whole department is fired! Ow, this hurts! This was one of my running feet!
Ann: [sees Ron bundled up and looking sick] Ron, you've been sweating in here all day! Are you drinking any fluids?
Ron: Yes, plenty. [pours some scotch]
Ann: No, you need to drink water. [puts a cup of iced water on his desk]
Ron: Usually I take it neat, but I will make an exception in the name of health. [takes an ice cube and places it in his scotch]
Ron: Last night, I watched a movie with Diane and the girls in which an orange fish is separated from his father. The children were sniffling which I believed to be due to the sad nature of the film... I was wrong.
Ann: You need to take off those layers, rehydrate, and go to the doctor.
Ron: Thank you for your concern! I will be fine. Please turn the thermostat up to 90 and leave me alone.
Ann: Ron, this isn't safe.
Ron: I'm a grown man. [gets up] I've had a cold before and need no help. So, if you don't mind... [he collapses to the ground]
Ann: That seems about right. [goes to pick him up]
Ron: [in the hospital] I'd like to object again to being brought here against my will.
Ann: Okay, I'm just gonna double check your form here. [reads it and notices most of it is blacked out] Ron, you redacted all the information!
Ron: I answered some of them.
Ann: For "Date Of Birth", you wrote "Springtime"!
Ron: Which is true.
Ann: [going over Ron's form properly] How many drinks of alcohol do you consume a week?
Ann: [surprised] That's it? One drink?
Ron: One shelf.
Ann: Do you exercise?
Ron: Yes - lovemaking and woodworking.
Ann: Do you have any history of mental health in your family?
Ron: I have an uncle who does yoga.
Ron: Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts.
Ann: Sexual history?
Ron: Epic and private.
Andy: People who give to charity, they get amazing press. Like Bill Gates. Have you ever heard of Bill Gates? He lives in Seattle, got glasses. Bill Gates?
Feinstein: I know who Bill Gates is. Bill Gates is like a super-nerd. Is this some sort of nerd thing? Are you calling me a nerd??
Tom: Uh, he meant M-Mark Cuban.
Feinstein: Cuban?? Now that's the kind of guy I can hang out with.
Leslie: April Ludgate is beautiful...
Leslie: You are talented...
Leslie: But most importantly, you're passionate about animals.
April: That's true. It's because I'm half wolf. [looks at the camera with a growl-like face]
Harris: I have one testicle... Whack-A-Mole accident.
Leslie: So why do you want this job?
Jerry: Well, I love cats. And dogs sure are great.
Chris: Well, you have all the qualifications. You went to a 4-year college.
Jerry: Actually, when I went there it was a 2-year college.
Leslie: Wow, so you're not even technically qualified to work at your current job.
Jerry: [letdown] Oh, geez.
Creepy Man: The spaying and neutering tools... do you think those fit humans?
April: [feeling disturbed] Mm-mm.
Creepy Man: And is there a lock on the spaying and neutering door?
April: Mm-mm. Mm-mm. [holds and grips Leslie's hand]
Leslie: Thank you so much for coming in.
Creepy Man: Thanks for having me.
Leslie: Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying. Now leave.
April: Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for Animal Control?
Orin: I studied Zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.
Leslie: Get out.
Orin: I made you say that. [he leaves]
Doctor: [diagnosing Ron] You got strep throat, running you a prescription for penicillin.
Ann: We'll have the rest of your test results in about 20 minutes. Cholesterol-
Ron: Not interested. [takes the prescription] Good day! [he gets up and leaves as Ann and the doctor look on in confusion]
Feinstein: [as he, Tom, Ben, and Andy smoke cigars] You know, they claim that smoking is bad for you. But is there any medical evidence to back that up? [shakes his head as if to say "I don't think so"]
Feinstein: You guys ever been fox hunting? I have my own foxes flown in from Russia, we drug them pretty heavily so they can't get very far. In fact, most of them just flop around on the ground; makes it easier to walk up to them and POW! [Ben flinches] Stupid foxes! It's deeply erotic.
Feinstein: [to Tom] I want you blending in to the surroundings. How fast can you run? [Tom looks uncomfortable and doesn't say anything]
Tom: [to the camera] I think that guy wants to hunt me!
Andy: [having enough of Feinstein] You're a dick!
[As they are being kicked out of Pawnee Smokehouse by Feinstein, Tom, Ben, and Andy see Donna smoking and flirting with two men]
[Tom, Ben, and Andy are surprised]
Leslie: [bringing in a collection of lotions] April? I got a present for you!
April: I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and callused like a railway worker.
Leslie: I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.
April: Really? Thanks!
Ben: [after being cheated by Feinstein] Mr. Feinstein, with all due respect... you are a major dick. [to Tom and Andy as he turns to leave] RUN! [Tom and Andy quickly follow suit]
Feinstein: What?? YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS!!!
Ann: [sees Ron all healthy] Hey, you look better. I guess actual medicine can be effective. Who would've thunk?
Ron: Please leave me alone.
Ron: I live the way I live, I eat the things I eat, and I'll die the way I die.
Ann: That's oddly beautiful. But also stupid.
Ann: Eat a damn banana. [places a banana on Ron's desk and he lowly grumbles in disgust]